You Are Not Broken: 3 Common Sexual Concerns Seen by Therapists

TL;DR 

Many people struggle with sexual concerns like desire differences, arousal differences, sexual shame and often assume something is “wrong” with them. These experiences are extremely common and fully workable in therapy. By understanding the normal variations in sexuality and unpacking shame, individuals and couples can build healthy, pleasurable, connected sexual lives. 

Introduction: Why This Conversation Matters 

We live in a world where sex is everywhere, advertising, social media, TV, movies and yet many of us feel uncomfortable talking about it in real life. And when concerns about sex show up inside relationships, people often carry those struggles alone, believing they are the only ones. 

As a therapist, I hear clients whisper questions like: 

• “Is this normal?” 

• “Why am I different?” 

• “Is something wrong with me?” 

My answer is almost always the same: You are not broken. 
Sexual concerns are far more common than most people realize, and therapy can be a safe, validating place to explore them. 

Below are three concerns I see most often and why none of them mean you’re flawed. 

1. Desire Differences 

What Are Desire Differences? 

Desire differences occur when two people in a relationship want sex at different frequencies or in different ways. This is one of the most common reasons couples seek therapy. 

And here’s the most important truth: 
👉 Desire mismatch is normal. 
It does not mean your relationship is failing or that either partner is broken. 

Why Do Desire Differences Happen? 

There can be many reasons, including: 

• Stress, burnout, or emotional overwhelm 

• Parenting or caregiving responsibilities 

• Hormonal changes 

• Medical or mental health concerns 

• Past trauma 

• Different erotic wiring 

What Helps? 

Communication, especially the awkward kind. 
Learning to talk openly about desire differences with compassion and curiosity creates room for understanding rather than blame. These conversations may not feel “sexy,” but they are the foundation of a healthy, sustainable sexual connection. 

2. Arousal Differences 

What Is Sexual Arousal? 

Sexual arousal is the body’s physiological and psychological response to erotic stimuli. People often assume arousal should look one certain way but that’s far from true. 

Two Forms of Arousal 

There are two well-researched, normal types of arousal: 

1️⃣ Spontaneous Arousal 

This kind of arousal seems to come out of nowhere. 
It’s the kind depicted in movies and TV, the sudden spark, and the instant readiness. 

Because media portrays this as the norm, many people use it as a measure of “sexual success,” believing something is wrong if their arousal doesn’t show up this way. 

2️⃣ Responsive Arousal 

Responsive arousal occurs after something engages your senses or emotions, such as: 

• Loving physical touch 

• Conversations about intimacy 

• Feeling emotionally connected 

• Planned or anticipated sexual experiences 

• Knowing you’ll have time and space to relax 

Both spontaneous and responsive arousal are normal. Many people—especially women, trauma survivors, and individuals under stress experience responsive arousal more frequently. 

👉 There is no “right” way to become aroused. 

3. Sexual Shame 

What Is Sexual Shame? 

Sexual shame is the painful belief that your desires, body, identity, or experiences are wrong or unacceptable. It often develops when people internalize societal expectations or messages about sex. 

Where Does Sexual Shame Come From? 

Shame can stem from: 

• Cultural or religious messaging 

• Family beliefs about sex 

• Past sexual trauma 

• Sexuality or gender identity stigma 

• Porn-based or media-based expectations 

• Lack of conversations about sexuality growing up 

For LGBTQIA+ individuals and survivors of sexual violence, this shame can be layered and overwhelming. 

How Therapy Helps 

Therapy provides a supportive place to slowly unpack shame, challenge old beliefs, and reclaim pleasure and agency. 
People often rediscover parts of themselves they thought were lost. 

You Are Not Broken 

If any of these concerns resonate with you, please hear this clearly: 
- You are not broken. 
- You are not alone. 
- Your sexuality is not something to be fixed, it is something to be understood, explored, and honored. 

Therapy can help you build a sex life that feels authentic, connected, and free from shame. 

How Wild Hope Counseling & Coaching Can Help 

At Wild Hope Counseling & Coaching, our therapists provide a warm, non-judgmental space to explore sexual concerns with compassion and evidence-based care. We support individuals and couples experiencing: 

• Desire differences 

• Arousal concerns 

• Sexual shame 

• LGBTQIA+ identity concerns 

• Intimacy barriers connected to trauma 

• Anxiety, depression, and relational stress that spill into sexuality 

Our approach is guided by values like Fostering Hope, Responsiveness to Need, Integrity, Evidence-Based Care, and Betterment for All. 

You deserve a sex life rooted in connection, not shame. 

FAQ 

❓ Is it normal for partners to have different sex drives? 

Yes. This is one of the most common experiences couples have, and it does not indicate relationship problems. 

❓ Is responsive arousal healthy? 

Absolutely. Many people experience arousal this way. It is completely normal and often overlooked because spontaneous arousal is what media tends to portray. 

❓ Can therapy help with sexual shame? 

Yes. Therapy can help you understand where shame originated, rewrite harmful beliefs, and reconnect with pleasure and confidence. 

Summary 

Sexual concerns are common, human, and absolutely workable through therapy. Whether you experience desire differences, arousal patterns that don’t match what you see in movies, or deep-rooted sexual shame, you are not alone and nothing about you is broken. With support, understanding, and compassion, you can move toward a more confident and pleasurable relationship with your sexuality